20. Death, Roses, and Saying Goodbye

Goodbye. Maybe you think that word is just a fleeting thing. Maybe you think that the person you say it to will have the chance to say hello again. Most of the time I accept that goodbye is a permanent thing. When I walk away, I will more than likely never see you again. I rarely get a second chance to make things right. I rarely get to reunite with the ones I love. I came to grips with this fact early on.

As a child I had to move many times. I would tell my friends goodbye and hope beyond what was rational to see them again. My first friend that I can remember was Daniel. He lived across the street we would get together and play all the time. That was the first year that I went to school. After I moved, I never saw him again. He practically died for me. My friend and I never talked again, we never saw each other again and it was the first time that I really experienced loss. There were many more friends that came and went over the years. I only keep in touch with one. I've known him since the 8th grade. Everyone else has managed to disappear. Even family members have disappeared. My cousin Trent was the first one that really hit me.

The last time I saw him was at a family reunion. We were all playing games and having a great time. I never thought that I would see him die so soon. Three years later he died in a car accident while he and his girlfriend shopping to get ready for prom. I never got the chance to talk to him after that reunion and I never got to let him know just how much I respected him. All I do now is carry a post card with his face on it. I keep it in my pocket but I remember him. I don't want him to vanish altogether. But he isn't the only one. There are more people I want to keep alive. I just don't know how.

When it comes time, I will say goodbye to all the good people out here at college and go somewhere else. I want them to stay alive in my life. I don't want them to vanish, too. In the end, I don't know that there is much I can do to prevent the inevitable. People will come and go from my life and I will get stuck with a new sense of loss. I wish I could just send all of these people roses and let them know that they aren't forgotten but what good would it do. In the end I just remember them as a distant memory. Someday I will find a place that I can call home and I won't have to let that go. I can stay and I can grow close to things and not worry that it is going to end.

I hate being by myself all alone. Maybe someday I won't have to be.